Fair warning. This post will not be filled with my typical tongue and cheek quips and ridiculous parallels that may or may not exist. Really, the title should’ve given that away. It is; however, car related and will display my overuse of commas in places they most likely shouldn’t be. Note: Oxford comma for life.

A year and a half ago we lost our oldest son. It was sudden and completely unexpected. Josh woke early one morning vomiting. My wife, who was nursing our less than one month old at the time, was awake. He caringly told her he was fine. He wanted to ensure that if he was sick the baby wouldn’t get it. At 10 years old that was the kind of person he was. And it destroys me to this day not knowing how caring, strong, and empathetic he would have been at 20, 30 and so on. Josh went back to bed and the day progressed.

Assuming it was a stomach bug we let him rest until we could get an appointment at urgent care. After waiting hours past our appointment, he was seen. Visibly tired, a bit confused, and sensitive to light the doctor prescribed anti-nausea medication. A visit that lasted maybe 5 minutes. We went back home and Josh took to resting.

After getting the medication he was having a difficulty taking it. Not cause it was in pill form but because he just wasn’t clearly comprehending instructions. At this point it had been about 5 or 6 hours and I took him to the ER. The doctor there immediately ordered a blood test, discovering his white blood cell count was off the charts. It was bacterial meningitis, later determined to be a rare strain not covered under routine vaccination. His condition worsened at a frantic pace. Josh suffered, what we now know, a stroke in his brainstem, was intubated, and life flighted to a pediatric intensive care unit.

12 days later he died. He was 10.

I’m not going to recount those 12 days. I’ve written about them extensively elsewhere. That writing was my first step into the larger world of anxiety, depression, grief, and coping. It brought modicums of peace when most other things could not. If not for Josh’s brand new baby sister and little brother I’m not sure I’d even be here. When you lose a child, you lose yourself. Simple things like getting out of bed or eating become some of the hardest parts of your day. Because, why?

But this one month old and this seven year old. They need you. They need you more than you need yourself. So, we kept going, moving forward with our feet stuck in quick sand. The truth is you’ll never be “good” again. But you will have days. Until those days come, however, you spend a lot of time locked in you head going over and over. The past, the future. The future you ‘ll never see. These become the focus because the present is a fog. Dense. Heavy.

Unyielding.

If you made it this far you might be wondering, “So how does this equate to anything car related” While losing a child was the most significant event of my entire life, it wasn’t the only one that took place around that time. A year prior we moved back to the United States after being stationed overseas. The plan was to retire from the Air Force, settle near family, and stop moving. The main impetus for this was stability for the kids. For Josh. He’d lived in six different places in 10 years and you could tell it was starting to wear.

Josh struggled with dyslexia and in turn school. After getting him tutoring he made leaps and bounds. In the weeks leading up to his illness he confided in his teacher that he finally felt comfortable, that everything was finally falling into place.

He was a carbon copy of me. From his stature to his smile, sarcastic comments and well spoken. But he got his empathy, emotional maturity, and thankfully his nose, from his mother. My interests were his, and his mine. Volkswagens, videogames, vintage electronic. Everything down to the niche obscurities that peaked both our interests.

When Josh was barely four and James, his little brother, not even one, I had to deploy. I was gone for eight months. Up till that point and not until his passing it would be the longest 8 months of my life. And while the deployment itself is rife with interesting details and stories, the main takeaway is the time you lose. More so when you have a child under the age of one. James turned one the second month into my deployment, when I got home and would talk he’d look at my wife’s iPhone wondering why it wasn’t coming from there.

We’ve always encouraged our boys to be independent in both action and thought. James was his own person, but he had started on that path without me present. This feeling persisted for years. There was never James without Josh. And when that time came unexpectedly, my absence years ago came rushing back. I struggled to find common interests, and the ones that did exist were, inexplicably, were tied to his now lost brother.

Starring at the inky sky, dotted with glimmering stars like the gold flecks that shimmed in Josh’s eyes, I asked him for help. I asked Josh to help guide me to be a better dad for James. The answer came in two unlikely places. Hockey and YouTube. I’ll save the synchronicities of hockey for another day. Suffice to say I was never a fan of YouTube and would always encourage the kids to watch “real shows or movies with production value.”

Given that my commute was almost two hours round trip I startled dabbling in podcasts. I’d been listening to PastGas by Donut Media for awhile but never ventured to their YouTube channel. In an effort to find common ground with James, when my wife was putting the baby down for bedtime, I told James to open up YouTube on the tv. This wasn’t normal as usually it was just to show him a movie trailer, but I had him look up Donut. We started out with episodes of the D-List, James Pumphrey’s personality and demeanor instantly grabbed his attention. Before long we’d always check if there was any new Donut.

source: Donut Media

While he still enjoyed the lighthearted segments, overtime he became interested in the solely car centric content as well. This allowed us to branch off into other automotive shows such as TopGear and the Grand Tour, both of which were Josh’s favorites. James loved listenintg to Past Gas with Nolan and Joe alongside James, understandingly I’d have to prescreen them though. James Pumphrey was the original animated anchor of Donut Media. He was the one that transcended the generational gap and made automotive content both interesting and familiar for my now nine year old. Automotive content which has always been an interest to me.

I started this blog while I was deployed years ago. It gave me something relatively constructive to do while also allowing me to write. Something I didn’t quite realize was my catharsis until tragedy struck yeas later. As I wrote updates about Josh’s condition, and then stories about him after his passing to share with others I began to think about everything. I mean everything. Life. What I want out of it. What I want to do.

Within the span of a year we had a baby, lost our oldest child, retired from the military, and had to find a job for the first time since 2003. All this as I turned 40. I’m here to tell you midlife crisis do exists. And I’m confident mine was awful, unique, and more so worse than most. This wasn’t just about buying a sportscar or feeling young again. I was starting over. For the first time in 20 years, however, I had the freedom to do more.

source: The Autopian

Around this time two of my favorite automotive journalists ventured out into the wild and started their own company, site, etc. Jason Torchinsky and David Tracy were two mainstays at Jalopnik. After what seemed like forever at Jalopnik they teamed up with Beau Boeckmann to start The Autopian which has become part of my daily reading. I recall one night fighting depression and insomnia, I reached out to their editor Matt Hardigree. I wanted to let them know how inspired I was by their site, what they were trying to do, and just how grateful I was for their style of automotive journalism.

While I may not be a professional by any means, these individuals and their willingness to eschew the comfortable for the daunting task of starting something new, inspired me. As an outsider it is hard but I’ve made some great connections and speak with great people in the automotive journalism industry. Some of whom are mentioned in this very article. They gave me the inspiration to continue writing here, attempting to write elsewhere, and pursue projects including a podcast and a tv show.

Making the dream. “doing car stuff for a living” a reality might not be possible for me, but it’s worth a try. You don’t live forever, so you should do what you enjoy and if that means making people smile along the way, it’s a bonus.

James Pumphrey helped me bond with my child after losing another. If you haven’t heard his interview on Sung Kang and Emelia Hartford’s podcast “Car Stories” it is a must listen. While his persona is often over the top, his sincerity and down to earth nature is on full display. I wish him the best of luck in his new endeavor “Speeed.” I do wonder if that name is inspired by Jeremy Clarkson?

The individuals at the Autopian are some of the most charismatic and down to earth people in this industry. Honestly, that’s what’s so inspiring about them and what gave me the courage to set out trying to make this more than just a thing. I’m thankful for their reporting and in touch nature with a segment of the car community the often gets overlooked.

If you want to know more about me, the projects I’ve got in the works, or simply need emotional support reach out at matthew.f.peck@gmail.com.