In an alternate universe #WeirdAl would have released a parody of the 1997 hit “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone” in 2010 when GM folded Pontiac. Titled “Where has all the Body Cladding Gone” He’d reminisce about three decades of garish plastic cladding that came to a peak in 2001 when the Aztek was released. Apart from the split grills and “wide stance” the cladding became a staple of Pontiac in the 80’s, 90’s, and early ‘oughts. A way to differentiate their products from badge engineered Chevrolets, Oldsmobiles, Buicks, Cadillacs and GMCs. For every Bonneville you had an Auroura, Lesabre, Park Avenue, and 88. For every Grand Prix you had a Lumina, Regal, or Cutlass Supreme. And no, the supreme wasn’t the upgrade all Taco Bell’ians know as tomato and sour cream… it was essentially the same car with different sheet metal and-of course-a lack of plastic molding tacked to the side.

So why bring this up now. The cladding died with Pontiac, right? Wrong. Now my theory on this is JUST a theory and in no way have I done any real research. But hear me out: PATENTS.

Surely Pontiac was the Thomas Edison of plastic molding patents. For reference Edison had over 1,000 patents which he essentially “appropriated” from other people (employees, competitors, people who mysteriously disappeared, you get the picture). We’ll if there were patents on plastic molding… Pontiac, and by Pontiac I mean GM, must’ve had them all. When they killed Pontiac, GM saw its opportunity. There was an out. What would now be considered the MEME of automotive design could disappear with a whisper. Sweeping it under the rug. They, could pretend it never happened. And with the patents they could prevent it from happening… again.

All of this is conspiratorial here say of course. We can be sure of this not because it sounds insane. Not because I wrote it without absolutely any research. But because of Subaru.

Yes, that Subaru. (Do you know of any other?)

Now, I am not qualified to comment on the design of any car. I’ve never been to design school. I’ve never designed a vehicle in any official capacity. What I am is a hetero white American male on the internet which makes me virtually the authority on everything. Please please note, I write that with the absolute maximum amount of sarcasm. I am a nobody.

However, my unqualified opinion is that the GM patent on plastic body cladding ran out recently and Subaru has gone ALL IN. Small amounts of cladding began sneaking their way into Subaru’s stable a few years back and it’s slowly been increasing. Over the past two years, however, they’ve rolled out their “Wilderness Editions” These vehicles boast better performance, ground clearance and handling for a magnitude of off road situations. They also boast the highest amount of cladding, per capita, since the Aztek

source: Subaru

The case of the Aztek proves that cladding is not greater than or equal to off roading capability. While I truly believe the wilderness trim does put the money where it’s mouth is (presumably the grill), it also has a brazen among of cladding. This isn’t limited only to that trim, however. Take for instance the electric Solterra, a vehicle whose confusing name requires a rhyme to spell like Mississippi, has a front fender that is over 90% cladding. While this is an obscene amount, the real victim here is the rear fender with roughly 50%. That’s a cladding delta of 40% which is a clear violation of the “25% cladding balance equation” (not a real thing). The car essentially looks like a racoon or stereotypical 1930’s robber with a black eye mask and stripped shirt. Prime to get hit by Ralphie and his Red Ryder BB gun.

Now, the wilderness editions are a bit of fresh air for Subaru. Recently their family focus has seen their model lineup drift into the doldrums. One, I might contend, that has become rather beige in comparison to the Baja’s and STIs of yore. Lest we forget the Giorgetto Giugiaro designs and wedge inspirations of the 80’s and early 90s. I think I speak for most when I say give me a new Brat, SVX or XT6.

source: Subaru

source: MotorTrend, Subaru, and HotCars

So, in a hypothetical world, where Weird Al spoofs the Paula Cole classic and asks us where all the cladding has gone. I’d argue, in my unqualified opinion, it went to Subaru a little more than a decade later. And I’m glad, because the recent crop of family cruisers, with amazing engines and handling, are being masked by safe, soft edges. Perhaps though, that is the point. A fleet of sleepers with magnificent boxer engines, solid handling and road feel, and a low center of gravity.

Let’s make “now” Subaru the same as early 2000’s Honda. Tune it looney style, get ‘em dropped, work in a blowoff, and slap a widebody kit on there. Just don’t speed shift your automatic transmission.

source: IIHS.org, Twitter and Bing AI Image Generator