Back in the #DriveTribe days I used to post a weekly running joke. An automotive modification of F**k, Marry, Kill. If you are unfamiliar with the aforementioned game, you are basically give a list of people – often celebrities – in which you have to choose who you’d, ahem, have “relations” with, who you’d marry, and who you’d (in the restaurant industry term) 86.

While you can’t… or shouldn’t… have sexual relations with or marry a car, you can kill one. It’s been close to a decade since I’ve posted this weekly gimmick, but I always found it entertaining so I’m bringing it back. Wednesdays suck, so why not zone out and decide which of these three cars you’d put through the ringer, you’d send straight to the crusher, or you’d cherish forever in this weeks…

HOON, KILL, COLLECT – The Seriously Not a Volkswagen Edition

As a known VW Type 1 enthusiast I receive test messages, DMs, and emails regularly of cars people assume are VW Beetles. More often than not, they are. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get the oddball. A car with a curved roof and round headlights does not a Beetle make. And while almost always European… not necessarily German.

Each of these car either inspired the Beetle or was inspired by the Beetle.

1964 Citroen 2CV – Post-World War I Europe, that was coincidently also pre-World War II Europe, was obsessed with the concept of a people’s car. In Germany a man with a scientifically confirmed micropenis and bad mustache had enlisted automotive genius Ferdinand Porsche (yes that Porsche) to develop a rugged, dependable, and cheap vehicle for families. In 1934 France Pierre Michelin, of tire fame, had just taken over the reins of a bankrupt Citroen and commissioned a design study that would eventually lead to the TPV (Toute Petite Voiture or Very Small Car) project. Pierre-Jules Boulanger, then Vice President, oversaw every aspect of the secret TPV project and, like a modern-day celebrity, was obsessed with weight. He created a separate department to weigh EACH individual component and redesign it to lighten the car without compromising useability.

A quick aside, most people don’t associate Michelin tires (and by extension the Michelin Man) with Michelin Star restaurants. This, however, is a fallacy. In early 1900s France, the tire manufacturer started publishing the Michelin Guide with rated restraints as a way to encourage people to drive their cars further and thus sell more tires. Note: the Michelin Man mascot is an abomination of tire tubes and not an overfed glutton.

Like the Volkswagen Beetle, the Citroen TPV, now called the 2CV, was almost ready for production at the onset of World War II. It would be another decade until the first production models made it into the hands of French countrymen. Pitched aptly as “an umbrella on wheels” the 2CV remained in production until 1990 with around 30 variants.

1938 Tatra T97 – While the Citroen share some similar lines and even an air-cooled engine, the Tatra was all that and a bag of chips. Similarly shaped, lighted, and air cooled and rear engined. And why wouldn’t it be, designer Hans and Erich Ledwinka we not strangers to Ferdinand Porsche, yes that Porsche. While the T97 bears an unsettleing resemblance to the Volkswagen Beetle, the Ledwinkas may have actually lifted the design from Hungarian engineer Bela Barenyi in 1934. Given the T97’s production started in 1936, that timeline doesn’t seem too far fetched.

When the micropenis’d man with the bad mustache saw the T97 in 1936 he reportedly claimed, “This is the car for my roads!” The futuristic, streamlined shape must’ve tickled the art school rejects fancy. Now, this is two years after he recruited Ferdianad Porsche, yes that Porsche, to come up with a people’s car for Germany. Supposedly after Hitler saw Prosche’s Type 12 he had developed for Zundapp in 1931.

In Porsche’s own words, “Sometimes Ledwinka looked over my shoulder and sometimes I looked over his.” Tatra sued Prosche who was willing to settle but Hitler “took care of it” by invading the Sudetenland, halting production of the T97, and canceling the lawsuit. Eventually, after the war, Tatra resumed its lawsuit against Volkswagen who settled.

1933 Standard Superior 400 Typ 2 – If Tatra argued Ferdiand Porsche’s Typ 12 was a copy of the T97 and settled,1933 Standard Superior 400 Type 2 – If Tatra argued Ferdinand Porsche’s Type 12 was a copy of the T97 and settled, then Standard could have taken him for everything he had had they not gone under in 1935.

The Superior (left) and the Type 12 (right) share a striking resemblance in their shiloute. This is no coincednce. Josef Ganz, a brilliant engineer, worked for Zundapp, Ardie and DKW to produce a concept for tThe Superior (left) and the Type 12 (right) share a striking resemblance in their silhouette. This is no coincidence. Josef Ganz, a brilliant engineer, worked for Zundapp, Ardie and DKW to produce a concept for the people’s car. His patents were then used to build the Standard Superior which once again gained the attention of a leader who was quite insecure and quite not well endowed that coincidently had a bad mustache. Ganz, being Jewish, was arrested in 1933 but managed to get released and fled the country in June 1934. The month Ferdinand Prosche, yes that Porsche, was awarded the contract to build what eventually would become the Volkswagen Beetle.

So which would you Hoon, Kill or Collect?