Close your eyes. Relax. Picture yourself cruisin’ down the freeway in the hot, hot sun, your BAE (did I use that right?) in the seat beside you admiring the fast speed at which your vehicle is driving. Suddenly red-blue lights flash you from behind, loud voice booming “Please step out onto the line.” How bizarre?

But it wouldn’t be bizarre if you knew these five easy steps to spot that menace of the motorway, that hellion of the highway… the undercover cop car. Turns out you blew past it with a notice. I’m here to tell you, don’t drive reckless but finding these foes of the freeway can yield enjoyment. Slow down, pull up behind one and watch that teenage tween in his Mom’s crossover blow by. You are smarter than him and now, now you can laugh.

Apart from normally being a Ford Taurus, Ford Explorer, Chevrolet Caprice, or Dodge Charger here are some traits to help identify those Smokies:

1.) The nubbins: Just look at that rear deck lid… it has an array of nubbins… well.. nubbin out of it. These are little black “posts” that stick up maybe three inches and are about 1.5 inches across. Often they come in threes.

2.) No dealer decals: Most car dealerships are consumer whores and stick their name all over your car’s ass any chance they get. A decal wasn’t enough, now there has to be a license plate frame as well. Guess what, cops don’t just give out free advertising space to just anyone. Just that guy named D.A.R.E. and his phone number 9-1-1. They are here to “serve and protect” but you won’t spot any dealer nostalgia tacked onto that rear end.

3.) Those “rims” don’t look quite right: While is one might be a dying art, most cop cars have wheels that look, in this day and age, a bit too small. Typically, with some type of steel wheel and hubcap combo covered in matte paint. If you see those it’s either a cop or someone who picked up the car at the Mt. Prospect auction after trading their Cadillac for a harmonica microphone.

4.) Another Antenna: Really this is the easiest to spot. There is a good chance it will have more antennas attached to it than Jodi Foster used to make Contact (look it up kids, it’s a movie… look her up too she’s the actress John Hinkley was trying to impress when he shot Reagan… Reagan is that president all the Republicans talk about from the 80’s… Republicans are the political group your parents support to Make America Great Again)

5.) Color me bashful: Finally, the color. Expect to see one of the following: black, white, dark or light grey, dark blue. Those are the color of the friendemy.