The Thing that Should Not Be Edition

This week’s theme, The Thing that Should Not Be, compares three vehicles that are visually offensive. They are so appalling they make the Pontiac Aztek look like a Ferrari F40… but in a different way.

While the Aztek was unique in its styling—taking the skin of a concept car and stretching it over a Pontiac Montana minivan like a serial killer from Silence of the Lambs—these three are simply disproportionate. Two of them were quick entrants into the fledgling sub-compact crossover market, and the third… well, I don’t even know.

They are the first-generation Chevrolet Trax, the second-generation Ford EcoSport, and the Nissan Versa (any generation).

With the exception of the Versa, most of the blame for the EcoSport and Trax can be placed squarely on Buick. Back when GM owned the European Opel brand, and Saturn—which had the majority of its model range replaced by rebadged Opels—had gone the way of the dodo, a new US brand was needed to peddle Europe’s wares in the States.

Perhaps it was meant to be? The previous two efforts to shill Opels in the New World were also under the Buick moniker. The Opel GT, an attractive and nimble roadster with Corvette-esque body styling, and the compact Kadett were both marketed at Buick dealerships. But in the 21st century, it was the Opel Mokka—renamed the Encore to go along with Buick’s “E” naming schema—that took the colonies by storm.

Having driven an Opel Mokka as a rental car, I can attest that it really is quite nice. It’s powerful enough, comfy, and has more room than it lets on. I’d actually considered picking up the Buick version when I came back stateside. The only issue? It wasn’t a Volkswagen. Alas, I had to settle for a GTI.

With the Buick Encore being relatively well-received, in true GM fashion, a lower-priced entry was desired, and Chevrolet was more than happy to pick up the scraps. There was only one glaring issue: while the Encore was simply a rebadged Mokka—a small car designed in Europe, where they are adept at designing small cars—the Chevrolet variant seemed worse than phoned-in.

Like a Chevy Sonic on steroids where all the angles were ruined, the Trax looked like a parts-bin special. Headlights, grilles, and taillights that appeared more apt for a Suburban were copied and pasted onto a sub-compact. It was noticeably short, as if the designers just stopped three-fifths of the way through. “Meh, we’ll just put a hatch here and call it a day.” And you know, perhaps that wouldn’t have been so bad had they not done the same for the front… minus the hatch. The crossover was essentially a folded-up accordion. Looking at it, your brain thinks there should be more—that it should stretch out.

But it just doesn’t.

Boy oh boy, that’s where the Ford EcoSport comes roaring in. While the first generation was relegated to South America—designed and built specifically for Ford Brazil—the second generation took a more international approach. Seeing the success of the Buick Encore and presumably the existence of the Trax, Ford had to retaliate. They did, by far, the most American thing possible: they took something designed in Europe that was actually quite good and ruined it. They essentially jacked up the amazing Ford Fiesta and made it look worse. Problem solved.

And finally, there is the Versa. While I’ve withheld my utter disgust for Nissan’s smaller cars when it comes to design, the Versa has every detail of a car you would buy if you don’t care about cars. It is disproportionate, ugly, and falls apart if a dog farts next to it. I’m not even going to dignify it with anything more than that.

So which would you hoon, kill, or collect?